Nature of off grid

Everyone that has dived into the realm of living off grid has their own reasons. Much of it revolves around a form of detachment. Something about their current lifestyle didnt feel right and action was taken. Some may have been born into it and really dont know any better (or worse). Is living off grid really living off grid though? I look around and still see Iphones (including myself), various forms of electricity, forged metals from china, mass manufactured plastics and so on. I have no real problem with any of this. I try to avoid chinese products but they still find a way in. A smart phone is convenient and offers a wealth of information, more than Ill ever need. As much as I wish I could say Im off grid, I dont feel like it.

I may have no utility bills and cell service is poor. Heat comes from hand chopped wood from my own lot. Water comes from the ground. My own muscles power most of what happens. So what does living off grid mean to me? It means doing without. Constantly. Even when I was living in a city, doing what I should be doing, Id constantly challenge myself. I went two years without a car, bicycle and motorcycle got me around even through winter. I loved it. A snow storm would pummel the area and coworkers would offer me a ride home. I never obliged. The hour plus walk through feet of snow was nothing short of magnificant. The aversion to pain and difficulty makes us weak. Not just physically but mentally and spiritually. Our spirit dwindles with every task completed the easy way. Nothings learned. No challenge is overcome.

So when Im asked why Im doing what Im doing, I often skip the long answer and say Ive returned to my childhood. I play in the woods, work isnt really work and there isnt any kind of race. I dont expect anyone to understand as they often dont. A coworker is intrigued by my off grid life and when asked about electricity I talk about the ideas of a basic solar system. To which he replies, oh good then you can have a satelite. I can only sigh and say no. It may be something to be proud of to proclaim that all standard amenities are kept without being on grid. Air conditioner. Washer. Dryer. Satelite/cable television. Internet. Running hot/cold water. However where is the fun in that?

With every time saving piece of tech used, something else fills its place. The race of the rat. Even working a job at 60 hours a week, I dont feel rushed. Ever. Time is the only real luxury. Nature has or soon will provide what I need. Being off grid creates a certain immunity to what happens out there. Out there being the places with traffic cameras, gyms packed with hamsters spinning the treadmills, fumes of vehicles at a standstill, fast food bloated bellies, eyes locked on the talking heads every evening and a case of the Mondays, every Monday. The reliance on money to provide happiness is a fruitless battle. A fatal one at that. I dont even consider myself off grid, merely at the fringes of society yet I feel whole enough that Id be happy if I were dead tomorrow. Ive tasted freedom and it was good.

Is this how it feels some days?

Winter is coming

At least so I hear. The nights chill has turned water into ice. For weeks now Ive been seeing thirty some degrees overnight even though the forecast consistently says forties. Kinda the nature of living here.

The house is being prepped for siding. Originally the house was to be sided in the spring, working from the outside in. Well. Oops. A local amish sawmill will be providing our cedar clapboards. There was much debate, arguing and complete procrastination. The zip sheathing has been exposed long enough and it is about time the house stopped looking so unfinished. Theres plenty to do inside and itll be nice to know our shell is protected and ready to brave the winter howling gusts.

Woodstove is almost ready to go. Chimney needs to be finished. Im excited and a bit anxious to see how well (or not well) heating goes this winter. Do I have enough wood? How long of a burn can I get? Will the stove even work at all? Only one way to find out.

The principal design of the home revolved around the excellent southern exposure. Last night was frosty and daytime temperature for today was 57 degrees in the shade outside. By noon the indoor temperature was 80 degrees. Id say thats pretty damn good of a solar gain. Granted two weeks of clouds will hurt in February. Im expecting winter to be composed of reading books while feeding the woodstove so anything better than that would be great.

Nightmare of mine

I can remember it happening when I was 5. Still happens to this date. I cant find a discernable pattern. Possibly linked to stress. Lack of sleep. Not enough consistent evidence to say one way or another. Sleep paralysis, the true nightmare. Although its not quite a nightmare since it spreads into reality.

Only until recently did I even look more into it. I simply let it be and dealt with it as it happened. It, whatever it is, is the only thing Im truly scared of. As a child Id lie awake for hours, scared to cross over into dreamland because it only happens when crossing over. It can also happen when crossing back over. The first time it happened I found it not easy to describe as a 5 year old. At that age I did not know anything about evil, darkness and horrible things. As an adult its easy to describe. Your mind wakes up but your body doesnt, hence the term sleep paralsysis. Easy to explain scientifically right? Just a disconnect between the sleep cycles and your body right? Right?

I dont believe it. If it were just the act of having a delay when waking up then okay maybe. It never goes that smoothly. Theres the evil presence. The strong urge to fight or flee. The panic. The pressure on my chest. I can see it. Somethings there. Its dark. Maybe human. It moves towards me. The air has a sharp cold sting to it, as if a winter breeze came through the window. I cant do anything other than watch. My breath slows down, the pressure builds up. Sometimes the presence has a male sway to it, sometimes it flows like a female. My childhood bedroom had one corner of the ceiling that was darker than the rest due to the background lighting. The corner would grow darker and darker as I stared at it. Thats how it would begin. As soon as I noticed it Id try to move but it was already too late. Same story everytime.

It scares me so much I couldnt write this last night. So how real is it? It was always hard to say without filming me sleep. Until one time it happened while lying next to a lover. She heard me make a noise and turned on a light to see me lying there, eyes wide open, not breathing. She said my name. Then said it again. My eyes fell to the side, trying to look at her, trying to speak through my retinas. Save me. Stop this. Im dying. I feel electricity pulse through my head, shaking my vision into a mess. My lungs deflate like a sad balloon. My muscles tense to hold onto the last pump of blood from a no longer beating heart. The worst part is there is nothing I can do about it, true helplessness. I died.


I came to. I hugged her. Now she was more scared than me. Okay so it does extend into reality. Even writing about that event brings back the same fear. Im dying. Thats really the best way to explain it. Im dying and Im watching it happen. I rarely spoke of it to people. A few years ago I came across a documentary on netflix called "The Nightmare". Upon reading the description, my heart stopped. I am not unique. It happens to enough people to warrant a netflix documentary. The interviews were surreal, how could others experience the EXACT same sensations? The same fears? Like everything else, science tried to explain some of it but at the end of the day there is more to it. Its what I believe.

It still happens to this day, albeit less often. Seems to come and go in spurts. As I age it becomes more intense, more personal in a way. One of the more recent ones had Tamarras jewelry stand thing morph into a feminine robed grim reaper type of entity. She spoke to me. "How are you going to tell everyone you fucked up?" she says. The cold breeze comes in again. I cant breath. She stood at my bed side, almost gloating. I swung at her. My knuckles struck the wood. Turns out I really did punch the wood box as it woke Tamarra and my knuckles stung. I broke the paralysis, violently. What was she talking about? Well the house was creaking a lot as I laid in bed prior to falling asleep and I was thinking about what if the house collapsed. So now it, whatever it is, digs and pulls out my fears.

Shortly after that episode, I lay in bed and stare out the east windows as the night sky slowly grows darker. I could feel the hair on my arms rise slowly as the divider between the windows developed a swagger as it walked towards me. I choked for air and the violence of the choke woke me up completely. It would seem objects that can remotely resemble "it" are at a risk of becoming "it". Great.

Ive read the articles. There is no cure so to say. Some things may have worked for some. Its been happening so long Im rather used to it as much as I hate it. In a way I dont really want an answer. It, whatever it is, helps keep me alive by making me feel alive by making me feel like Im dying. If that makes sense. Theres no good without evil, thus this nightmare of mine allows my reality to exist. Thank you.

Bounty

We chose to focus on squaring away the house this year which means the garden, the ever important garden, did not get the attention it needs. Fortunately nature picked up the slack. Last year the wild rasberries were out of control. This year its the blackberries. Its said that they alternate years, looks to be true. The fun part about blackberries is they thrive on the edges of paths and clearing. Easy access. The rasberries spread out into the acreage. A half hour walk on the old logging paths provided me with the bounty pictured above. Theres plenty more too.

My neglect to the greenhouse killed the bean seedlings but the tomatoes survived. They were planted a little late too, especially considering the short growing season.

I dont know if theyll produce anything before the first frost. The current markets are filled with tomatoes from local farms so they are definitely far behind. Considering it was a last ditch effort anyways, its a lost cause thatll be a pleasant surprise if I get one tomato.

The garden plot has been picked out. Still needs a lot of work and that is 2018 main focus, absolute priority. Cedar post fence will surround it. Im more than halfway done however digging holes isnt much fun in this rocky soil. A borrowed power auger proved to take longer than doing them by hand due to all the time spent dealing with it binding on rocks.

Its funny how quickly things change. Initially the plan was to cultivate the entire clearing (about 2 acres) and mow it. Doing it by hand proved to be...hard. Im trying to keep equipment out of the ordeal as it builds a dependency upon said equipment. Some people like mowing acres. I dont. A large focus of this place is to work with nature rather than battle it head on. Our useable footprint has shrunk immensely and Im happy about it. Between needing less and using less, life provides us with more.

Other things

Incase I havent mentioned it, I dont have internet or electricity. I havent for awhile and frankly, its not so bad. It elicits a good chuckle from most people, or comments along the lines of "I could never do it". No. You just dont want to do it. And thats fine.

The house has stalled and rightfully so. Short of a chimney it is ready as its going to be for our first winter hunkered down. The past few weeks have seen a consistent 40 over night. Thats right, middle of August and already hovering near frost. Summer loses its appeal quickly to me. Bring on the cold!

Speaking of the cold. One of many side projects was a starter greenhouse. For less than $150 you can build it yourself. Tubing is 3/4" EMT conduit. Bendable and sturdy enough for a small greenhouse. I cut the ends angled and drove them into the ground. Laid down landscape fabric and some stone to keep a nice working floor in it. Rough carpentry framing finished off the rest of it.

Unfortunately the 4 mil poly sheeting I had left over from the house did not make suitable greenhouse material. Tore pretty easily and the top rungs need a cross bar also to keep the bars from poking through. Beyond that it actually works quite well. I didnt open it one day when we went hiking and the bean seedlings couldnt handle the heat. Sadness. Lessons learned. With some new (proper) plastic for next spring itll be ready to pump out an array of seedlings.

I love dried foods. They make the best snacks and helps rid your homestead of waste. Plus the nutrients of the food are held mostly intact. This little solar dehydrator has replaced my plug in electric one, for obvious reasons. Electric one takes four hours for an average batch of tomatoes. Now it takes two days at 70-80 degree air temp. But its free! Whats the rush? Well, winter. Winter is coming. Daily activities now include rotating batches, placing dried goods in a paper bag overnight to catch any leftover moisture and then sealing them in glass jars. The process is theraputic and provides a very rewarding return for my investment. Next year Ill be devising a full size solar dehydrator because the little hanging one simply cant handle the volume of apples, tomatos, jerky, fish and everything else I feel like dehydrating.

Physical fitness is of utmost priority. Dietary changes and being active everyday does wonders but I need to supplement. Enter the outdoor gym. Its just a pull up bar. Ive bounced in and out of gyms and the sterile environment chips away at my soul. The sandy loam backyard provides a great platform for a home gym. Soak up some vitamin D. Knock out endless pull ups, dips, pushups and picking up heavy stuff. There really isnt a need for anything more. I miss the barbell sometimes and it may re-enter my life at a later date. For the time being, a cedar post pull up bar and random rocks will suffice.

Theres always stuff to do. Endless other things.

Not all rainbows and sunshine

Sometimes its rainbows.

Sometimes its sunshine.

Really though, most of the time it isnt. By most definitions this is not paradise. Sunnier than NY, sure. What is paradise though? Certainly its different to everyone. Maine is not paradise, not to me. As far as I am concerned, paradise does not exist in any civilized area of this planet. Thus one could conclude that uncivilized areas paradise could be found. Could be. And maybe someday that is where I will go. Despite how far Ive distanced myself from the civilized world, I have plenty farther to go. Part of it is to see that I can do it, another part of it is I grow weary of day by day life.

There lies the road less (not) traveled. Where does it go? What is it like? Is there any one there? There is nothing to see at least from here. Perhaps a peek around the corner will suffice. No. It never does. Ill never stop searching, that is why it is not paradise here.

I dont want to find paradise. Thats the truth of the matter. The bugs are horrendous here. Black flies come out in swarms for a month. Ticks plague your daily existence. Mosquitos. Oh the mosquitos.

Its late summer. The sun sets. They come out. You hide indoors. You fall asleep to the hum of the hordes. I often drift asleep thinking about what if, what if I got stuck outside after sundown. Surely Id never stop running. But what if I was injured and stuck outside? With the thousands on my window screen next to my bed, I can only imagine the scenarios.

At least the screen stops the mosquitos. Biting midges (noseeums) pass through most screens, burrowing their way into your skin as you try to sleep. You rarely get a break. Deer flies lock onto you like a heat seeking missle during the daytime, often leaving a welt the size of a golf ball. I repeat, it is not paradise here.

You do what you can. I collected my daily ticks in a jar. On the summer solstice I put the jar in the bonfire and made the biggest fire Ive made yet, wishing for them to disappear.
As the summer heat comes on they do disappear eventually. Only to resurface next year, looking for my hairline, armpit, crotch and even my bellybutton.

The weather forecast is always wrong. More wrong than your average one. Summer time sees 50 degree swings daily. 40s in the morning 90s in the evening. Dress appropriately.

Its easy to glamorize, fantasize, focus on the positives. Maine is no paradise. Granted theres many different regions. I wholeheartedly believe that freedom, true freedom, only exists where people do not. There is always someone trying to tax you, impose their beliefs, annoy the shit out of you, and generally just be a bother. We are now experiencing what some call small town politics. Moving to a small population area has its benefits, however its easy (now) to see the racket the town has set up with its tax system and more people on payroll than in a town of ten times its size. And they are related...joy.

Dont mistake me, I do like it here. There are more pros than cons compared to where I come from. I cant go back to a life where the outdoors cant be my urinal, I cant shoot shit anytime I want and be so restricted by a set of laws that clearly only have one purpose. But its not enough. Its never enough.

Calvin sums it up best. Come visit! Theres bugs, incase I havent mentioned it.

Looking within

Despite all the home progress, there was one thing that really make it what it is. Windows. Last year I framed all the windows to a large size so we had the freedom to look for bargains in odd sizes then frame it for whatever size they were. Great in theory. Long story short, we went for new windows. The used market didnt turn up anything that inspired either of us. Windows are by far the largest source of inefficiencies. Worth the cost of new I say. There were some mishaps but overall we are happy with them. Note where the check rail falls as it may block any sort of view for certain people.

And caulk the crap out of it. Then flash tape the crap out of it.

Spending the extra time on proper windows is totally worth it. At the time we werent sure what to put on the end peak wall. Its a large space so we could squeeze all sorts of things in there. Bi-annually there is a local lumber yard sale where overstocks, returns, misorders, etc are liquidated. We went there to just see what was there. Sometimes you see something and you know thats it. Being a budget minded project we knew our limitations. We did not anticipate finding something that fit the space nor anywhere near the price nor brand new cause it was a misorder (wrong measurement). Grab it and run!

The entire wall would be a window now. A lovely change of plans. Installing them wasnt the easiest but with some neighborly help it went smoothly.

The view from the bedroom. Oh the walls are sheetrocked and painted. And a shiplap hemlock ceiling too. And an antique oil lamp (with LED bulb). Yes. We knocked out a lot rather quickly. That was the goal though, we both had no employment and everyday was dedicated to the homestead.

The house is at the point where its just puttering along. I even got around to the giant pile of sandy loam and leveled it by hand. Hope to plant some grass in the fall to have a backyard. Im not big on home maintenance so itll be a small yard, something nice to hang out in and keep the forest from engulfing the home.

Tamarra has a thing for what she calls a pentagon pantry. After much debating, measuring and remeasuring we settled on the design. The countertops are now roughed in also. We have a working space now for kitchen stuff and dont have to live out of boxes, probably one of the more frustrating things.

Kitchen sink. No runnning water of course but at least now you can stand up while playing with water. Previously a concrete mix tub was used that I have tied into the shower drain. It got the job done but was difficult to use. Running water whether gravity fed or pressurized will be a project for 2018, along with a well. We haul the water currently, either from the neighbors spigot or from a spring at the corner of the property. On non-sponge bath days I use a gallon of water. Its rather eye opening how much water is just flushed away.

Life has settled down. The cats seem happy. Im happy. I think Tamarra is happy. Sure, we need to put up window trim, siding for the house, get the chimney up before winter, more gravel for the driveway, kickstart the garden for next year, plant a lawn, build out the shower, get running winter, build an adequate solar system, figure out food storage, and more that Im forgetting. It all comes with time. As of the day Im writing this, it was only a year ago I broke ground with the excavator.

All I know is Im running wild and free.