Nightmare of mine

I can remember it happening when I was 5. Still happens to this date. I cant find a discernable pattern. Possibly linked to stress. Lack of sleep. Not enough consistent evidence to say one way or another. Sleep paralysis, the true nightmare. Although its not quite a nightmare since it spreads into reality.

Only until recently did I even look more into it. I simply let it be and dealt with it as it happened. It, whatever it is, is the only thing Im truly scared of. As a child Id lie awake for hours, scared to cross over into dreamland because it only happens when crossing over. It can also happen when crossing back over. The first time it happened I found it not easy to describe as a 5 year old. At that age I did not know anything about evil, darkness and horrible things. As an adult its easy to describe. Your mind wakes up but your body doesnt, hence the term sleep paralsysis. Easy to explain scientifically right? Just a disconnect between the sleep cycles and your body right? Right?

I dont believe it. If it were just the act of having a delay when waking up then okay maybe. It never goes that smoothly. Theres the evil presence. The strong urge to fight or flee. The panic. The pressure on my chest. I can see it. Somethings there. Its dark. Maybe human. It moves towards me. The air has a sharp cold sting to it, as if a winter breeze came through the window. I cant do anything other than watch. My breath slows down, the pressure builds up. Sometimes the presence has a male sway to it, sometimes it flows like a female. My childhood bedroom had one corner of the ceiling that was darker than the rest due to the background lighting. The corner would grow darker and darker as I stared at it. Thats how it would begin. As soon as I noticed it Id try to move but it was already too late. Same story everytime.

It scares me so much I couldnt write this last night. So how real is it? It was always hard to say without filming me sleep. Until one time it happened while lying next to a lover. She heard me make a noise and turned on a light to see me lying there, eyes wide open, not breathing. She said my name. Then said it again. My eyes fell to the side, trying to look at her, trying to speak through my retinas. Save me. Stop this. Im dying. I feel electricity pulse through my head, shaking my vision into a mess. My lungs deflate like a sad balloon. My muscles tense to hold onto the last pump of blood from a no longer beating heart. The worst part is there is nothing I can do about it, true helplessness. I died.


I came to. I hugged her. Now she was more scared than me. Okay so it does extend into reality. Even writing about that event brings back the same fear. Im dying. Thats really the best way to explain it. Im dying and Im watching it happen. I rarely spoke of it to people. A few years ago I came across a documentary on netflix called "The Nightmare". Upon reading the description, my heart stopped. I am not unique. It happens to enough people to warrant a netflix documentary. The interviews were surreal, how could others experience the EXACT same sensations? The same fears? Like everything else, science tried to explain some of it but at the end of the day there is more to it. Its what I believe.

It still happens to this day, albeit less often. Seems to come and go in spurts. As I age it becomes more intense, more personal in a way. One of the more recent ones had Tamarras jewelry stand thing morph into a feminine robed grim reaper type of entity. She spoke to me. "How are you going to tell everyone you fucked up?" she says. The cold breeze comes in again. I cant breath. She stood at my bed side, almost gloating. I swung at her. My knuckles struck the wood. Turns out I really did punch the wood box as it woke Tamarra and my knuckles stung. I broke the paralysis, violently. What was she talking about? Well the house was creaking a lot as I laid in bed prior to falling asleep and I was thinking about what if the house collapsed. So now it, whatever it is, digs and pulls out my fears.

Shortly after that episode, I lay in bed and stare out the east windows as the night sky slowly grows darker. I could feel the hair on my arms rise slowly as the divider between the windows developed a swagger as it walked towards me. I choked for air and the violence of the choke woke me up completely. It would seem objects that can remotely resemble "it" are at a risk of becoming "it". Great.

Ive read the articles. There is no cure so to say. Some things may have worked for some. Its been happening so long Im rather used to it as much as I hate it. In a way I dont really want an answer. It, whatever it is, helps keep me alive by making me feel alive by making me feel like Im dying. If that makes sense. Theres no good without evil, thus this nightmare of mine allows my reality to exist. Thank you.

Bounty

We chose to focus on squaring away the house this year which means the garden, the ever important garden, did not get the attention it needs. Fortunately nature picked up the slack. Last year the wild rasberries were out of control. This year its the blackberries. Its said that they alternate years, looks to be true. The fun part about blackberries is they thrive on the edges of paths and clearing. Easy access. The rasberries spread out into the acreage. A half hour walk on the old logging paths provided me with the bounty pictured above. Theres plenty more too.

My neglect to the greenhouse killed the bean seedlings but the tomatoes survived. They were planted a little late too, especially considering the short growing season.

I dont know if theyll produce anything before the first frost. The current markets are filled with tomatoes from local farms so they are definitely far behind. Considering it was a last ditch effort anyways, its a lost cause thatll be a pleasant surprise if I get one tomato.

The garden plot has been picked out. Still needs a lot of work and that is 2018 main focus, absolute priority. Cedar post fence will surround it. Im more than halfway done however digging holes isnt much fun in this rocky soil. A borrowed power auger proved to take longer than doing them by hand due to all the time spent dealing with it binding on rocks.

Its funny how quickly things change. Initially the plan was to cultivate the entire clearing (about 2 acres) and mow it. Doing it by hand proved to be...hard. Im trying to keep equipment out of the ordeal as it builds a dependency upon said equipment. Some people like mowing acres. I dont. A large focus of this place is to work with nature rather than battle it head on. Our useable footprint has shrunk immensely and Im happy about it. Between needing less and using less, life provides us with more.

Other things

Incase I havent mentioned it, I dont have internet or electricity. I havent for awhile and frankly, its not so bad. It elicits a good chuckle from most people, or comments along the lines of "I could never do it". No. You just dont want to do it. And thats fine.

The house has stalled and rightfully so. Short of a chimney it is ready as its going to be for our first winter hunkered down. The past few weeks have seen a consistent 40 over night. Thats right, middle of August and already hovering near frost. Summer loses its appeal quickly to me. Bring on the cold!

Speaking of the cold. One of many side projects was a starter greenhouse. For less than $150 you can build it yourself. Tubing is 3/4" EMT conduit. Bendable and sturdy enough for a small greenhouse. I cut the ends angled and drove them into the ground. Laid down landscape fabric and some stone to keep a nice working floor in it. Rough carpentry framing finished off the rest of it.

Unfortunately the 4 mil poly sheeting I had left over from the house did not make suitable greenhouse material. Tore pretty easily and the top rungs need a cross bar also to keep the bars from poking through. Beyond that it actually works quite well. I didnt open it one day when we went hiking and the bean seedlings couldnt handle the heat. Sadness. Lessons learned. With some new (proper) plastic for next spring itll be ready to pump out an array of seedlings.

I love dried foods. They make the best snacks and helps rid your homestead of waste. Plus the nutrients of the food are held mostly intact. This little solar dehydrator has replaced my plug in electric one, for obvious reasons. Electric one takes four hours for an average batch of tomatoes. Now it takes two days at 70-80 degree air temp. But its free! Whats the rush? Well, winter. Winter is coming. Daily activities now include rotating batches, placing dried goods in a paper bag overnight to catch any leftover moisture and then sealing them in glass jars. The process is theraputic and provides a very rewarding return for my investment. Next year Ill be devising a full size solar dehydrator because the little hanging one simply cant handle the volume of apples, tomatos, jerky, fish and everything else I feel like dehydrating.

Physical fitness is of utmost priority. Dietary changes and being active everyday does wonders but I need to supplement. Enter the outdoor gym. Its just a pull up bar. Ive bounced in and out of gyms and the sterile environment chips away at my soul. The sandy loam backyard provides a great platform for a home gym. Soak up some vitamin D. Knock out endless pull ups, dips, pushups and picking up heavy stuff. There really isnt a need for anything more. I miss the barbell sometimes and it may re-enter my life at a later date. For the time being, a cedar post pull up bar and random rocks will suffice.

Theres always stuff to do. Endless other things.

Not all rainbows and sunshine

Sometimes its rainbows.

Sometimes its sunshine.

Really though, most of the time it isnt. By most definitions this is not paradise. Sunnier than NY, sure. What is paradise though? Certainly its different to everyone. Maine is not paradise, not to me. As far as I am concerned, paradise does not exist in any civilized area of this planet. Thus one could conclude that uncivilized areas paradise could be found. Could be. And maybe someday that is where I will go. Despite how far Ive distanced myself from the civilized world, I have plenty farther to go. Part of it is to see that I can do it, another part of it is I grow weary of day by day life.

There lies the road less (not) traveled. Where does it go? What is it like? Is there any one there? There is nothing to see at least from here. Perhaps a peek around the corner will suffice. No. It never does. Ill never stop searching, that is why it is not paradise here.

I dont want to find paradise. Thats the truth of the matter. The bugs are horrendous here. Black flies come out in swarms for a month. Ticks plague your daily existence. Mosquitos. Oh the mosquitos.

Its late summer. The sun sets. They come out. You hide indoors. You fall asleep to the hum of the hordes. I often drift asleep thinking about what if, what if I got stuck outside after sundown. Surely Id never stop running. But what if I was injured and stuck outside? With the thousands on my window screen next to my bed, I can only imagine the scenarios.

At least the screen stops the mosquitos. Biting midges (noseeums) pass through most screens, burrowing their way into your skin as you try to sleep. You rarely get a break. Deer flies lock onto you like a heat seeking missle during the daytime, often leaving a welt the size of a golf ball. I repeat, it is not paradise here.

You do what you can. I collected my daily ticks in a jar. On the summer solstice I put the jar in the bonfire and made the biggest fire Ive made yet, wishing for them to disappear.
As the summer heat comes on they do disappear eventually. Only to resurface next year, looking for my hairline, armpit, crotch and even my bellybutton.

The weather forecast is always wrong. More wrong than your average one. Summer time sees 50 degree swings daily. 40s in the morning 90s in the evening. Dress appropriately.

Its easy to glamorize, fantasize, focus on the positives. Maine is no paradise. Granted theres many different regions. I wholeheartedly believe that freedom, true freedom, only exists where people do not. There is always someone trying to tax you, impose their beliefs, annoy the shit out of you, and generally just be a bother. We are now experiencing what some call small town politics. Moving to a small population area has its benefits, however its easy (now) to see the racket the town has set up with its tax system and more people on payroll than in a town of ten times its size. And they are related...joy.

Dont mistake me, I do like it here. There are more pros than cons compared to where I come from. I cant go back to a life where the outdoors cant be my urinal, I cant shoot shit anytime I want and be so restricted by a set of laws that clearly only have one purpose. But its not enough. Its never enough.

Calvin sums it up best. Come visit! Theres bugs, incase I havent mentioned it.