I can remember it happening when I was 5. Still happens to this date. I cant find a discernable pattern. Possibly linked to stress. Lack of sleep. Not enough consistent evidence to say one way or another. Sleep paralysis, the true nightmare. Although its not quite a nightmare since it spreads into reality.
Only until recently did I even look more into it. I simply let it be and dealt with it as it happened. It, whatever it is, is the only thing Im truly scared of. As a child Id lie awake for hours, scared to cross over into dreamland because it only happens when crossing over. It can also happen when crossing back over. The first time it happened I found it not easy to describe as a 5 year old. At that age I did not know anything about evil, darkness and horrible things. As an adult its easy to describe. Your mind wakes up but your body doesnt, hence the term sleep paralsysis. Easy to explain scientifically right? Just a disconnect between the sleep cycles and your body right? Right?
I dont believe it. If it were just the act of having a delay when waking up then okay maybe. It never goes that smoothly. Theres the evil presence. The strong urge to fight or flee. The panic. The pressure on my chest. I can see it. Somethings there. Its dark. Maybe human. It moves towards me. The air has a sharp cold sting to it, as if a winter breeze came through the window. I cant do anything other than watch. My breath slows down, the pressure builds up. Sometimes the presence has a male sway to it, sometimes it flows like a female. My childhood bedroom had one corner of the ceiling that was darker than the rest due to the background lighting. The corner would grow darker and darker as I stared at it. Thats how it would begin. As soon as I noticed it Id try to move but it was already too late. Same story everytime.
It scares me so much I couldnt write this last night. So how real is it? It was always hard to say without filming me sleep. Until one time it happened while lying next to a lover. She heard me make a noise and turned on a light to see me lying there, eyes wide open, not breathing. She said my name. Then said it again. My eyes fell to the side, trying to look at her, trying to speak through my retinas. Save me. Stop this. Im dying. I feel electricity pulse through my head, shaking my vision into a mess. My lungs deflate like a sad balloon. My muscles tense to hold onto the last pump of blood from a no longer beating heart. The worst part is there is nothing I can do about it, true helplessness. I died.
I came to. I hugged her. Now she was more scared than me. Okay so it does extend into reality. Even writing about that event brings back the same fear. Im dying. Thats really the best way to explain it. Im dying and Im watching it happen. I rarely spoke of it to people. A few years ago I came across a documentary on netflix called "The Nightmare". Upon reading the description, my heart stopped. I am not unique. It happens to enough people to warrant a netflix documentary. The interviews were surreal, how could others experience the EXACT same sensations? The same fears? Like everything else, science tried to explain some of it but at the end of the day there is more to it. Its what I believe.
It still happens to this day, albeit less often. Seems to come and go in spurts. As I age it becomes more intense, more personal in a way. One of the more recent ones had Tamarras jewelry stand thing morph into a feminine robed grim reaper type of entity. She spoke to me. "How are you going to tell everyone you fucked up?" she says. The cold breeze comes in again. I cant breath. She stood at my bed side, almost gloating. I swung at her. My knuckles struck the wood. Turns out I really did punch the wood box as it woke Tamarra and my knuckles stung. I broke the paralysis, violently. What was she talking about? Well the house was creaking a lot as I laid in bed prior to falling asleep and I was thinking about what if the house collapsed. So now it, whatever it is, digs and pulls out my fears.
Shortly after that episode, I lay in bed and stare out the east windows as the night sky slowly grows darker. I could feel the hair on my arms rise slowly as the divider between the windows developed a swagger as it walked towards me. I choked for air and the violence of the choke woke me up completely. It would seem objects that can remotely resemble "it" are at a risk of becoming "it". Great.
Ive read the articles. There is no cure so to say. Some things may have worked for some. Its been happening so long Im rather used to it as much as I hate it. In a way I dont really want an answer. It, whatever it is, helps keep me alive by making me feel alive by making me feel like Im dying. If that makes sense. Theres no good without evil, thus this nightmare of mine allows my reality to exist. Thank you.
